« Where were you, when everything was falling apart.
All my days were spent by the telephone that never rang
And all I needed was a call that never came
To the corner of 1st and Amistad
Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me. »
Alright I don't want to sound like an emo kid who wants to hang himself because his Ipod is out of battery, but sometimes I just want to sleep and die in my dreams so I'll lock myself inside and never come back. Death is tragic for people, but for some it is magic. I am sorry if I have to write this but a lot of things have been happening and I don't feel like continuing my way. Yesterday is just repeating and living is useless since I already know what will be waiting for me tomorrow. I lived it. Don't ask me why am I taking everything too personally and seing every single little thing as a dramatic... thing. Not only I feel ridiculous about complaining about my insignificant teen angst, but I am also disgusted about how I am living this life here and I hope to be a better person somewhere else. I know I have pathetic excuses to be so drained of joy. I mean, I have never had anything serious like being raped or whatever, but I am seriously considering about getting to a rapist because I would have a good reason to do a stupid thing then. Or I would get me hit by a car because I will be so bashed up that I would be forced to make me die, which will happen anyway. So when the cops will find my corpse people would know me as a lady who killed herself because she was desperate about her bashed up body or depressed after being raped, and not because of some lame excuses such as "my miserable teen angst is unbearable and I feel so overwhelmed, if I only I could die" . So yeah, the whole point is I don't feel "victim" enough to be a "considerably serious" case. People spit shits like "Oh you'll get through teenage, every kid of your age wants to get attention", but what you are later on is based on what you are now. Psychologically I mean. If I get through my entire teenage with stressful years and humid eyes I don't really see how will I suddenly find well-being at the age of eighteen. And futhermore, if a person really needs attention, then I believe there must be something wrong underneath him, right?
The worst thing about this it is that even it doesn't seem anything "serious", I really actually feel overwhelmed by what is happening, but I am afraid to get a doctor because I don't want to feel ludicrous. So as a matter of fact all I am supposed to do is to sit here and wait. But soon I wouldn't want to spend another day waiting for the end no more, because I would choose to give myself the end. When I was a younger I could still see sparkles in my future, but today I can only see a boring dead-end. I did have fun during my lifetime and I believe I will still have some later, but it wouldn't be a long-term effective cure.
but somehow if I am writing this alive and breathing, a part of me still want to live.